I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize