She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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