someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
