So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Randomize
