just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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