A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
