Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I FOUND THE LEGS
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
