sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
