I wish I could teleport
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
