im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
