My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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