apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
