Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I supernannyed him into submission
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
