I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
