This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
