Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
