if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
