Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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