I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
