I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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