I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
