Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize