I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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