Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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