"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
