So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
