aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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