i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
