i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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