Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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