We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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