I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
