Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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