I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
