If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she smelled like a LAN party
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
