I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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