he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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