Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
