Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
