The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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