I just pynch a tree in the face
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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