Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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