I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I believe in your delicious
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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