also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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