So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
