He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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