you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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