Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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