i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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