Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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