So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
