At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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