Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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