they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
