you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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