Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
