Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
