my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
