at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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