but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
