Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
