Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
