I think I died a long time ago.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
