i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
